Never Better than the Real Thing
by Merci
Summary: Lee and Kazuya have joined forces to stand against Jin, but Lars is intent on subverting their plans for his boss/crush. Unfortunately, the theft of an item vital to Lee's survival goes missing and Lars tries to present it as intel to claim a sexy reward from Jin. Warnings for: crack, humour, Kaz/Lee, Lars/Jin, and Yaoi!
1. Chapter 1

This story has been edited to conform to ffn's rules for a M rating. Language has been edited and some explicit scenes have been softened. Every effort has been made to preserve the feeling of this story. If you would like to read the unedited version, please see my profile for links to my AO3 account and writing lj.

**PLEASE READ:** This story contains heavy incestuous yaoi themes and some adult concepts (sex toys being mistaken for other things) and some vague sex scenes with nothing explicit, but this is rated M for a reason. Please do not read if you do not like the subject matter.

**Warnings:** Yaoi, incest, crack (attempts), possible ooc behaviour, dildos.  
**Disclaimer:** I am making no profit from this fanfiction. I do not own Tekken, Kazuya, Lee, Jin, or Lars.  
**Notes:** This is based on a conversation with a friend and was written as an attempt at crack for their birthday. This is making me realize that I have a dildo theme with most of my Kazuya/Lee stories. I don't know why, though it probably speaks to my fascination with all the awesome models and sizes available on the market! Some of them are supremely hilarious!

* * *

Lee sat back in his chair and checked his watch. It felt as if the minutes were crawling by and he was having trouble focusing on his work. Really, he should have been pleased to have a couple days to himself to get some delicate deals hammered out while Kazuya was out of town. But no! Lee's mind kept turning to the lock box in the safe behind him, and its contents. He'd promised Kazuya upon pain of death that he'd guard its contents with his life, and he'd had to take extra precautions to ensure nobody knew it existed. Really, he'd have agreed to _anything_ if it meant Kazuya letting him make a replica of his cock. Lee had suggested it as a novel way of irritating his brother, but he was grateful for it on days when Kazuya was away and he wanted to play.

He felt his pants tighten just as his secretary came in and he made an executive decision. He hastily signed the semi-important documents she handed him and tried to look un-aroused. "Giselle? I have an important meeting and cannot be disturbed under any circumstance."

"Of course, Mr. Lee," she said with a knowing smile and nod. "I'll make sure nobody disturbs your _meeting_. I'm just finishing up a few things, myself, so I'll make sure you're not disturbed." She left and closed the doors behind her.

Lee had to smile to himself. He'd cultivated a rumour mill of lies that made his employees think he and Kazuya were working on something big and were having super-secret meetings to nail down the finer details. He had to increase security awareness without letting anyone know that he didn't want to be caught pleasuring himself at the office. Kazuya had walked in on him once and, well, it had turned out well, but Lee didn't want Giselle or anyone catching him in such a compromising state!

Loosening his tie, Lee punched in some keys on his keyboard, securing the doors and windows from the inside and unlocking the safe behind him. A portrait of himself and Kazuya swung forward, revealing the open safe and the polished lock box that was almost lost in the shadows. "Oh, Kazuya, we'll have a satisfying meeting, I'm sure!"

Lee rose from his chair and casually strolled to the safe, withdrawing the box before retreating to a hidden back office that did triple duty as a place for secret meetings, a place for Lee to catch up on sleep, or even fuck if he and Kazuya couldn't contain themselves. He'd had it insulated with soundproof materials, ensuring they would be undetected even in their loudest, most passionate throes.

He looked around his office one last time to make sure everything was secure. He may have been missing Kazuya, but his healthy sense of paranoia kept him vigilant to anyone who might be watching. Luckily, it was just him and Kazuya's cock.


	2. Chapter 2

Lars watched as Lee retreated into his back office with the secret box and frowned.

Something was up.

Something big!

Kazuya had left a couple days earlier, so if he was _truly_ meeting with Lee… well, Lars' subterfuge sensors were blaring in his mind and he just knew something was up!

He'd tried many times to plant surveillance equipment in that back office, but he'd found it to be impossible. The best he'd managed was in an empty office in the building across from Lee's window. With some simple sound-enhancing equipment and a video feed he'd witnessed Lee's daily routine for more days than he'd care to remember. But Lars needed to get some dirt on them! His mind drifted back to Jin's orders and the promise in his eyes if he succeeded.

"Bring back any intel you can find," Jin had said late one night. "I want to know what my father and uncle are up to. They've been moving large sums of money around, obviously hiding some large… purchase." His eyes had grown dark as he no doubt thought of the myriad of things his family was plotting against him.

"I will bring back what you seek," Lars had promised with a bow. He'd felt Jin touch his shoulder in a firm, promising grip. That one little touch left Lars on cloud nine. Jin had entrusted his mission to _him_ and he wouldn't return until he had something to show for it! His need to please Jin was burning in his chest as he'd taken up his surveillance post. He'd listened to the rumours around the office and the whispers of something big going down. Lee's cagey behaviour that afternoon confirmed it!

"Secret meeting, eh?" Lars peered into his monitor more closely and rewound the last few minutes of video. Lee's keyboard was clearly visible as he'd keyed in the password, and he'd seemed almost reverent of the box, holding it delicately and absently rubbing it. It must have held the secret communication device, or hard drive, or… well, whatever it was, it was just the sort of thing that Jin had asked him to look for!

Lars settled in to wait for Lee to return from his meeting. His eyes never drooped and his attention was focused. All his senses were on alert, and so he was able to pick up on the noises – albeit faint – that were coming from the back office.

Well, it was _one_ noise.

Repeated over and over again.

"Heh, out of town my ass!" he leaned forward, waiting for the familiar sound of Kazuya – his brother – laughing loudly. It was a familiar laugh, the kind he let out when victory was within his grasp and he couldn't hold back the devil's excitement anymore. Of course, after all those years, the devil and Kazuya were so intertwined they might as well have been the same being.

Lars' blood froze as the frequency of laughter increased, the volume rising to a crescendo until it was a continuous stream of laughter and Lee's voice was barely audible above Kazuya's dark din.

Lars settled in and waited. He needed to act that night, since it sounded as if Kazuya and Lee were nearing completion of their plan. They could not complete whatever they'd started. Undoubtedly it was against Jin, and Lars would not allow that to happen.

It was another hour before Lee exited the back office and returned the black box to its place in the safe. Lars watched Lee's movements, noticing the sway of his hips and the way he flipped his hair to the side as he slid the box inside the safe.

He looked pleased with himself.

Satisfied.

Lars' stomach churned and his resolve hardened. They must have been close to making their move against Jin. He had to act fast to steal their data! He watched Lee leave, but waited another hour before he left his hiding place and made for his target.


	3. Chapter 3

"I brought what you asked!" Lars said triumphantly. He'd woken Jin in the middle of the night and the two men blinked at each other in the darkness of Jin's bedroom before the latter took the upper hand.

"Did you, now?" his eyes flicked to the box and then back to Lars.

"Yes. Lee used this device in a secret meeting with Kazuya. I think it's a hard drive that's storing their secret plans! I couldn't crack the digital lock without upsetting the contents, though," Lars said.

"Hmm," Jin hummed, his mood visibly lighter. "You're my number one for a reason."

Lars puffed up with pride. Compliments from Jin were rare. He thought it was time to press his luck. "Anything for you, sir. I… wish to serve you any way I can."

The innuendo was not lost on Jin and he quirked his eyebrow at the suggestion. "I'm sure I can find other ways to… use you, Mr. Alexandersson."

Lars heart skipped a beat and he felt his pulse quicken. He nodded and the two men turned their attention to the box.

Jin inspected the container for a moment before withdrawing a device from his drawer and placed it on the box. After a few moments and the whirr of electricity there was a small click and Lars released the breath he'd been holding.

Jin opened the box and looked inside. His expression went through several changes that set Lars' elation plummeting to anxiety. Jin's look of triumphant expectation became confusion, became horror, became _abject_ horror. He then looked up to Lars. There was a dangerous glint in his eyes and Lars did his best to remain passive.

"I-it's not what I thought it was?" He dropped to his knee and bowed his head. "Please forgive my failure!"

Jin snorted and dropped the box on the table. "Have a look, Alexandersson."

Lars raised his eyes and looked at the glossy box – the one he'd been sure would please Jin and make the leader of the Zaibatsu look favourably upon him.

When he looked inside, however, his heart sank.

Seated inside the box, on a bed of velvet and accented gemstones, sat a long, black object that was smooth and gleamed even under the low lighting. The ridges and veins had been lovingly re-created from the original, and the base of the testicles - also lovingly mimicked - were ringed in glistening diamonds set just beneath the glassy surface. Violet accents swirled over the shaft and left a flourish of colour along the black tip of the head. Lars swore he could almost see glitter along the underside.

"It's a…" Lars began, but couldn't finish. His mind was racing. All his surveillance and planning and… and… he'd heard Kazuya in the room with Lee! "It must be something else. A USB, or special communication device."

"Like a cellphone?" Jin asked incredulously.

"Y-yeah!" Lars exclaimed, trying to convince his superior. He picked the dildo up and held it to his face, balls-to-ear and cock-to-mouth and began speaking. "Hello? Kazuya? Would you mind telling us what you and Lee are planning?"

Jin looked at Lars for a moment, a mix of horror and uncertainty on his face.

Lars inhaled a breath and steeled himself. That uncertainty on Jin's face was hope! If he could determine the dildo's role in Lee and Kazuya's plans... he could save his reputation and life.


	4. Chapter 4

"Shit!" There was another crash from inside Lee's office and more cursing. "Who was fucking with my stuff?" Lee's voice bellowed from behind the closed door, though his secretary knew better than to reply. She continued to work on her King of Iron Fist erotic RPS until Lee burst from his office and leaned heavily on her desk, breathing erratically.

"Giselle, something has been stolen from me. Something…" he paused, visibly shaken. "Well, let's just say that if I don't find it…"

"Does this have anything to do with Mr. Mishima?" she asked. "He's not due to return from his trip until this evening. Is this something I can… do… for…" she trailed off as Lee turned from her, raised his arms into the air and flailed them about as he ran screaming back to his office.

Giselle cocked her head to the side and decided to ignore the whole incident. Lee's eccentricities were becoming more exaggerated as the years went by and she knew that when Kazuya returned he would set Lee straight. "Well, as straight as two brothers fucking can be!" She giggled and returned to her RPS. "Now, Stevie, I'll bet you love Hwoarang's hot Korean cock up your bum, dontcha? Yeah, those tabloids gave us lots to go on!"

Hours later Lee had cobbled together a possible solution, but much of it hinged on luck and that left him uneasy. He paced the apartment and checked his watch again. Kazuya's plane had landed forty five minutes ago and Lee went over everything once more to make sure it was perfect.

While his G Corp information retrieval team soused out who had stolen the black box of secrets from his office, he'd hastily obtained another mould for his brother's cock and hidden it under the bed. If he played his cards right, he could get another copy made and Kazuya wouldn't be the wiser.

He laughed. If he was extremely lucky he'd even escape without grave personal injury!

Outwardly, Lee looked calm and in control, but inside his heart was racing. He collapsed onto the couch and took another drink to calm his nerves. Licking his lips he checked his watch again and nearly dropped his glass as the door opened and Kazuya's familiar footfalls sounded at the entrance. Lee turned to the entrance and put on his best seductive smile just as Kazuya rounded the corner.

God, he was hot. Just the sight of him made Lee hard. He'd made the copy of Kazuya's manhood for the times they were apart, but nothing beat the real thing. Nothing.

Kazuya dropped his bags and straightened his shoulders, his dark suit hugging his form in all the right places.

"Have a nice trip?" Lee asked conversationally as he shifted on the couch and tried to look seductive.

"Hmm, I thought it would be more challenging to coax a signature out of him," Kazuya shrugged and removed his jacket. He was completely oblivious to the effect he was having on Lee.

"I'll bet you had them sweating the moment you walked into that room." Lee felt his heart in his throat and took a sip of wine to wash it down.

Kazuya stopped suddenly and sniffed. "It seems I have you sweating even before I walked into this room," he turned and looked Lee up and down, his eyes darkening as the seconds ticked past. "I thought that copy you made would keep you satisfied, but I can smell you from here." His nostrils flared and his countenance darkened, becoming animalistic. He moved like a panther as he pinned Lee to the couch, invading his personal space and using his weight to attempt to dominate.

Dominate? Heh. It wasn't that easy, but Lee loved to feel him try. "Oh, believe me, that _is_ fun, but you know I prefer the genuine article," he winked and snaked his fingers down Kazuya's torso. "Looks like you missed me, too."

"I can smell the desperation on you. I guess that sham you copied from me can't hold you down and push you beyond your limit, can it? How can I resist when your aura is trembling with anticipation and…" his lip curled up, "…fear?" He pulled back and regarded Lee with suspicion. "I've only sensed your fear a handful of times. What happened?"

Lee lunged forward, trying not to look desperate and to regain control of the situation. Things had been going so well, too. He thought the alcohol had numbed that anxiety that coiled in his stomach. "W-well, I did have something interesting planned for tonight, but I'm not sure if you'll agree to it. I suppose it has me feeling a little anxious."

Kazuya looked at him impassively. It was obvious Lee would have to lay it on thick to avoid being murdered. "I was shopping and bought something to… make things interesting, though it's a bit messy!"

Kazuya's eyebrows shot up and he cocked his head to the side. "You know I'm particular about—"

"Yes, I know! And that's why I'm scared. Well, more nervous than anything. Since it involves tying you down."

"Hmm," Kazuya frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. "You're right, I don't like it."

"But Kazu~ya!" Lee heard himself whining. It was pathetic, but he needed Kazuya tied down and blindfolded so he could get an impression for a replacement copy. He would say it was part of some full-body latex he wanted to try out. He'd even bought pails of latex to layer over Kazuya's magnificent body. It would ruin his sheets, but if he could draw it out long enough for the mould to take and he could ship it off to the craftsman to turn it into the glass prize he'd so foolishly lost.

Lee paused and took a cleansing breath. "Please? I promise, you won't regret it."

Kazuya looked hesitant, but Lee could feel his brother's excitement and knew he held victory in his grasp. Just a subtle change of expression and -

Lee's phone vibrated against the marble floor, jerking his attention away from Kazuya as if with a chain.

Kazuya growled in aggravation and took Lee's chin, turning his attention back. "You have my attention, Chaolan…" he purred, kissing Lee deeply.

"That…" Lee couldn't believe what he was saying, but… "That might be important…"

Kazuya was having none of it. He crushed their mouths together and tore at the buttons on Lee's clothing. They snapped and fell away, revealing the pale skin underneath. Kazuya growled and nipped along Lee's collarbone, using his tongue to trace in the crevices and make Lee writhe beneath him. His body was laid bare; all the imperfections and scars difficult to see in the shadows, though Kazuya knew they were there – proof of survival – and licked along each trembling mark.

The phone vibrated again from the floor, aggressively, irritatingly beating out a rhythm on the marble, demanding attention.

Kazuya growled warningly.

"Ignore it!" Lee panted, but realized it might have been _important_. "Wait, better let me check!"

"I'll have them killed after we're done here." Kazuya picked up the phone and crushed it in his hand. "It's been a long flight."

Lee couldn't argue, though his mind was wrenched back to the little issue of the missing dildo. "Ah, they're just doing their job," he said weakly. "Don't kill them."

His employees were all good workers, especially the G Corp special forces officer that quietly entered the room and moved just beside the couch to wave and get Lee's attention.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Kazuya bellowed and glared daggers at her.

She looked at Lee. "Sir, we've located the device and the thief," she stood her ground, unmoving, even as she watched the scene before her.

"Can't this wait?" Kazuya tried again to intimidate her, but she was immovable.

"Mr. Lee indicated that this was top priority and we were to let him know as soon as possible, no matter the situation." She took a moment then to look over her bosses before returning to her perfectly trained forward-facing expression.

"What could be so important?" Kazuya started, before he saw the fear again in Lee's eyes. "You… didn't!" He didn't even wait for Lee to get up before he grabbed him by the throat and pulled him close. "The box in the safe that you said nobody would ever get EVER?"

Lee frowned and nodded. "They got past my security, erased the surveillance footage… and for what they stole… I mean, they left the real high-security stuff! The access codes to our underground facility in—"

"Who?" Kazuya asked coldly, looking to the officer.

She inclined her head to Kazuya for the first time and did her best to hide her smile. "Lars Alexandersson, who is working for Jin Kazama, seems to have been surveilling our facility for the past few weeks. He exploited gaps in our security and waited for a perfect opportunity. He took the box from the safe just last night and brought it to Jin's organization—"

Kazuya was on his feet and marching out the door even before Lee could roll off the couch. His dark aura said it all and Lee stumbled to his feet and chased after him.

They left the G Corp officer behind until she finally released her breath and smiled widely. "I wonder what Jin would need with a copy of his dad's cock…"


	5. Chapter 5

"Y-you're using it wrong!" Lars moaned and bowed forward on all fours. Jin's hand was sure and steady as it used the black dildo.

"If this really is some communication device, why is it shaped like a dick?"

"M-maybe it transmits data to whoever it penetrates?" Lars said, gasping. "Like those toothbrushes that transmit radio waves through teeth into the brain. It's secure against… against… Maybe I will see—"

"No," Jin said, withdrawing entirely. He stood and took off his jacket, folding it neatly over the back of his chair, followed by his shirt and then trousers. "If this really does have all my father and uncle's secrets, _I_ want to see them first!"

"Ah, are you sure?" Lars asked. "I mean, we don't even know if this is the right way to use—" but it was too late. Jin Kazama had begun to use the device on himself. His expression only changed slightly as he adjusted to the sensation. "Can you see the secrets?" Lars asked.

"I… I…" Jin panted. "I don't see anything. Are you sure we're using compatible lubricant? Maybe you should have taken note of what my dad and uncle use… "

Lars huffed. "I'm sure the dildo is compatible with all non-oil-based lubricants, which is what we're using."

They continued, while Jin's sounds of pleasure increased. Lars listened to the grunts and moans, committing to memory the thrilling sound of… _laughter_. Lars had a second to look quizzically at the dildo before EVIL LAUGHTER FILLED THE ROOM!

Jin squeaked in surprise and the two jumped apart.

The sound was coming from the dildo, which vibrated with familiar, evil laughter. Jin and Lars exchanged a horrified look as Kazuya's voice bellowed from inside Jin's bum.

"What the fuck is that?" Jin exclaimed and reached to retrieve the dildo from behind him.

"Did you see any of their secrets?" Lars asked, trying to recover.

"This isn't a fucking hard drive!" Jin hissed, still struggling.

"No, it's not!" Kazuya said, kicking in the door and entering the room in one grand move. It was impressive! He wasted no time in springing into action. He practically flew at Lars and knocked his half-brother down with a backhand and began stomping him into the ground.

Lars was at a loss for words or action as the dildo's originator opened a can of whoop ass on his ass. He didn't notice Lee appear in the doorway, stepping over the unconscious and/or dead guards that littered the hallway. His appearance was less impressive, but still terrifying as anger twisted his attractive features into devilish rage.

Lee surveyed the scene, his mouth twisting up as he saw Lars helpless on the ground as Kazuya didn't give him a moment to fight back. He turned his attention to his nephew, who was on the other side of the room, continuing to struggle with the dildo behind him.

"There it is!" Lee yelled, pointing dramatically at Jin and – by extension – the dildo.

"I know what it looks like!" Kazuya bellowed back, not looking up from his "fight" with Lars. "Get it from him and let's get out of here!"

Lee strode towards Jin, looking at him with curiosity as he approached, taking him in from different angles as his nephew continued to dig. "Need a hand?"

Jin grunted and hung his head, the laughter intermittently erupting from his bum. His back was tense as his uncle approached, unsure, but seemingly defeated in embarrassment. "F-fine!" he said with a frown.

Lee gestured with two fingers for Jin to turn around and bend over. He took in the sight, observing for the first time the similarities Jin shared with his father before trailing a hand along Jin's back and down to his bottom, getting a better grip on the device and slowly easing it free.

Jin grunted in relief and looked up at his uncle and then the dildo in his hand. He appeared drained and defeated, but in the split second it took for Lee to dismiss him as a threat, Jin lunged forward and snatched the dildo away. He shoved Lee back and then took a defensive position by the door.

"For fuck sakes!" Kazuya cursed and dropped Lars to the ground. He turned his attention to Jin and growled. "Give it here, boy!"

"No!" Jin declared with conviction, though he held the item away from him, as if disgusted. The dildo began to vibrate and laugh in his hand and he winced.

Kazuya suddenly paused, taking in the scene before him and, for the first time in his life, he felt like he wanted to throw up. "Just… g-give me the dildo, son. We can forget all about this afterwards."

"Oh, don't be a stick-in-the-mud, Kazuya!" Lee chimed in, having moved beside Kazuya and taken over subduing Lars. He loosened the headlock on his adoptive half-brother and grinned. "We can remember this moment for years to come and laugh and laugh and—" Jin growled and hucked the dildo towards Lee who caught it out of the air. "Thanks, Jin! I was a little worried when this went missing." He waggled the dildo in the air like a lecturer wagging his finger. The dildo laughed lowly. "You won't get anywhere in the world domination bracket if you spend your resources stealing dildos!"

Lee released the headlock on Lars and helped him to his feet. "Your file says you're an honourable man, I wonder why you're working for our nephew?"

"He's trying to bring order to a chaotic world." Lars straightened up and rubbed his neck while looking at Kazuya. He stepped back and took a defensive stance. "You want me to think you two are angels?"

Lee looked back at Kazuya, whose eye was glowing red, his demonic side threatening to make an appearance. "Think of us as the lesser of two evils." He winked before turning back to Kazuya. "I got it! Let's go!"

Kazuya frowned and continued to look at Jin who was leaning heavily against the wall, seemingly horrified by the reality of the evening. "You said you'd keep it safe, Chaolan. The fact that they got it is disheartening."

"Oh, Kazzy! What more can I do? Keep it in a safe inside a safe?" Lee leaned heavily on Kazuya as they made for the door, resting his head on Kazuya's shoulder in a placating way that he hoped would prevent Kazuya from punishing him too harshly.

"No, maybe you should keep it on your person at all times…"

"But, I don't want to have to lug it all over the place in that box! It would be so unsightly…"

"Who said you'd keep it in the box?" Kazuya's eye darkened and he paused, looking his brother up and down again, the pause making clear what he'd intended.

"I… I don't know if I could… all day?" Lee went visibly weak in the knees. "With it laughing?"

"Oh, and one more thing," Kazuya smirked, eyeing Lee. "I wouldn't mind having my own a backup copy of you."

Lee made some sound of glee before the two disappeared into the hallway, unhindered by the dead guards.

Jin gagged and Lars rushed to offer him a garbage can. He shot a glare at his subordinate and frowned.

Lars smiled sheepishly and shrugged in an exaggerated way. "I… really thought it was a hard drive."

"Yeah, my ass," Jin yawned. "It's not a bad idea, though. What idiot would think that a dildo contains sensitive information?" He shot Lars an accusatory look before softening, a thoughtful smirk breaking through his angry veneer. "Get R&amp;D on that, actually. I'd like my very own Swedish model that I can use to store my plans."

"Are you… do you?" Lars looked at him incredulously, feeling his regret and embarrassment for his mistake melting away.

Jin eyed him hungrily and shoved him back onto the bed. Neither man slept the rest of the night.

Meanwhile, back at Lee and Kazuya's apartment, Lee was regretting every wicked thing he'd done in his life. He struggled against the restraints, but the leather bonds held true. He writhed and pleaded, but Kazuya was merciless. Dimly, in the back of his mind, Lee prayed the artisan made his dildo many shades of violet.


End file.
